It was a bright sunny morning. I and my colleagues were focus on our projects, looking at our computer screens at work. Suddenly, two colleagues from another project passed. First one, an elderly man who was walking fast, frowned and his eyes showed anger. Second one was walking slowly and looked a little bit embarrassed.

We asked ourselves the question what it happened here. They were in a meeting with the head of section. During the meeting, the angry man who was the oldest man in the department claimed with a strong voice: I am the oldest man in the department, you do not have more experience than me, I cannot accept this and I won’t report to any of you. After that, he stood up, took his notebook then started walking ahead the door to leave the meeting room.

I ask myself how we can avoid this kind of behavior.How to go from angry to assertive man?

What is Assertiveness? The assertiveness is between two end points the aggressive and the passive. The aggressive is the person who opens his mouth to shout and offend and the passive is someone who does not show his opinions and accept any requests even again himself and his integrity.

In other words, assertiveness is the balance point of aggressive and the passive, how to express our concerns in a reasonable way. It is stop behaving as a baby who cries and shouts when something bother him.

How can we be assertive people? Dale Carnegie mentioned there are lots of techniques but most of them are based on that we can call the Three-Part Assertion Message [1]:

1. Summarize the facts of the situation.
2. Express your thoughts and feelings.
3. Say clearly your needs, including the benefits to the other party.

Let’s go back to the case of the angry man. It happened over five years ago.  My colleague behaved aggressively because he was not recognized by the company and assigned to activities not related to his interests and experiences on his current project. This last situation triggers his anger and blew out. That is the aggressive scenario.

In the passive scenario, the man would not say anything about his assignment and not express any opinion. He seemed not to be present in the meeting.

In the assertive scenario, he can apply the Three-Part formula. Firstly, Summarize the facts explaining some activities of the project were part of the critical path means the deadline could not be post pone. These activities require seniority for managing and executing.

Secondly, express your thoughts and feelings. He is over 46 years old, the most experience member of the unit and would feel more motivate doing different work packages and tasks. Now, you probably think that it is unprofessional to talk about feeling at work but nowadays, good managers and human resource departments are more concerns about the employee’s expectation and satisfaction. People who like their work are much more productive and unlikely to quit the company.

Thirdly, say clearly your need, including the benefits to the other party. He would be pleased to get more responsibilities and run work packages according to his experience to deliver them on time.

As you can notice, assertiveness shows professionalism. It can be applied to your personal and professional level. During our life we may face with difficult situations but assertiveness really pays off.

Next time, you are in a conflict situation please breath, relax and apply this Three-Part formula.

References

1. The 5 Essential People Skills, Dale Carnegie Training 2009.